Stages of Divorce

How familiar are all these emotions to me, except acceptance of course. Too far out but I know one day it will happen and all this will be a distant memory.

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

So I can definitely take Bargaining off the list as the last 4 months I have been there, done that. I’m good on that one. Denial was SOOOOO last year. I can say that because I have lived almost 2 yrs through my partner’s affair. Isn’t that just so pathetic and sad to realize that I lost 2 yrs of my life for this imbecile. Ahhh, I shall not regret.

Now I am just left with anger which I have a lot of in my reserve. It seems to grow more and more each day. Just this week I have found on his banking statement that he bought her flowers after I told him to move out, and the next day is when she tried to contact me on linked in (a post all in it’s own). The biggest one of all is that he has taken our renter’s deposit out of the ‘condo account’ and spent it. In exactly 15 days we are to give that back to them, but the money is not in the account. He thinks I do not know about it, but oh I so do. Yes, it absolutely gave me a panic attack besides shaving off a year off my life expectancy.

As for Depression, it comes and goes in waves. I think it is the fact that now I am realizing that the dream I once had is gone, and now I have to build a new life. I look at my children and literally start thinking of every single worry in the world. From how am I going to get them to school when I have to travel for work, to how am I going to save money to be able to provide financial support during college.  In a way it paralyzes my mind and body. I am learning to accept that it is ok to take it day by day, otherwise I will go insane.

So as I wade through depression and anger there might be a clear thought that passes by. It is hard to hold on to that thought long enough, but at least I see a glimpse of what that thought reveals. That thought is a glimpse of the life that I am supposed to have. It is reasoning that all this happened because it had to. Clearly I shared my early years in life with a person who is not worthy nor stable.  On a good day when I can think of how lucky I was to get away from this person, well those are the days that make me believe that I too will one day reach Acceptance.

I look forward to being free from these emotions and embracing what will be.

♥♥♥♥♥

Advertisements

Sunshine

I, a firm believer that certain individuals walk into our lives with a purpose to fill, just the same believe we consciously or subconsciously do the same for others.

He has finally moved out last Friday and a week prior I took the kids and left the house. It was just getting too hostile and combative that I did not want to expose the kids to that. Instead I chose the high road and removed myself and the kids.

Upon coming back to the house, the next morning I hear a doorbell. Considering that I live outside the city now and my parents and brother are about 20 miles away, no clue who that could be on a Saturday morning. There she was, my neighbor whom I will choose to call K. This is the first neighbor I met when we moved in and their house backs up to ours. She is a stay at home Mom of two little boys same age as my son. We have truly bonded over the last 2.5 yrs that we have stayed in our house.  She stood at my door holding a bright yellow orchid plant and welcomed me back home to my new life. Who does that? Well, for starters a very warm and caring person but also a person who the universe put on my path so that she contributes to my perspective on life.

I ended up in this suburb by initially finding a therapist to whom I drove 20 miles to see for an hour. I just clicked with this therapist and then fell in love with this place, hence how we bought the house here. I almost feel as some type of gravitational force pulled me here. Granted I am very isolated from my family but in a way it has brought beautiful people in my life. I feel supported here. Ironically I purchased a house two streets down from my former colleague who is now retired, not even knowing she lives here! She has been extremely sweet by offering to watch the kids and just lend a hand during an emotional and hectic time in our lives.

I cannot base all this just on random luck because my intuition tells me that it is more than just luck. It is really just that complex (read simple), we meet people so that they can change or impact our lives or that we may do the same for them.  I am also trying hard (emphasis on hard) to take the same perspective on why I have spent the last 16 yrs with my husband. Out of that relationship came two beautiful little humans that bring endless joy to my life and will continue to do so for as long as I shall live.

In conclusion, what may seem like a small gesture that my dear K made has left a huge impact on my heart and mind. I love you K and I appreciate your presence in my life. You brought me sunshine as you called it in a form of an orchid, but in fact YOU were the sunshine that showed up at my door.

Oh but beautiful girl, can’t you see that YOU need YOU?

As my husband went to Europe for 3 weeks in July, since his arrival nothing has felt the same. Due to my gut feeling,  I caught him in contact with his affair partner once again. Pretty much he has been in touch with her the entire time since he came back to reconcile. In the mean time, my life flashed before me and I knew what I had to do. Call my lawyer and ask her to scratch reconciliation and head full force to DIVORCE town.

He was in touch with her the entire 4 months that he came back to reconcile. As he works with her supposedly now she is creating a lot of work issues for him. I mean, fair punishment of getting fired for having an affair with a co worker would be in place but that is for the universe to decide.

He basically told me that his heart feels something else, yet his head is telling him to stay with me and the kids in the house. After much fighting back he finally admitted his #1 fear was finances and #2 leaving the kids. All good reasons to try and make marriage work, right? He admitted that he just came back for the kids, however all those months he fought back that his reason for asking the judge for reconciliation was not due to goal of having been put on child support at that hearing.  Real mature.

Needless to say, he is moving out on the 1st back to the city, very posh and hipster area. He has no business being there at his age of 37, but let the man live for once. He certainly seems to have suffered for 16 yrs with me, breathe my love. Just breathe.

I on the other hand am truly devastated because it turns out that I have been with a very immature man who was not ready for the life we built. We were at the top financially and now life for our kids is taking a turn. He had many chances to walk out but why would he? My friend told me its because I am CONVENIENT. I now realize how much that word holds meaning in my case.

It is hard but my gut feeling tells me that I need to run and run far far away. I think, what if he played me like this for years to come. What would I have done then? He admitted that 4 yrs ago when our son was just born, he would sit and watch a movie with me imagining he was telling me he wants a divorce. Yeah, that kind of love. This man then continued to live life as everything was fine, only to have another child and purchase a house in addition to our condo.

I can take this as being such an idiot for putting up with all his BS or really take it as a lesson learned. My heart is broken and no one has ever hurt me like this man. I mean, hurt hurt.

The way he was behaving the last 1.5 yrs has truly showed his true colors and we could have parted ways long before he had to really make such a ridicule of our relationship. At the end of the day, I can say that I tried everything that my mind and body could possible think of to save my family. I could not save it because there was no value in saving it. Continuing this relationship with such unstable person would have brought me down in the gutter where he is now.

I choose to each day hold my head high (at least in front of my kids) and if needed cry myself to sleep. Most importantly I choose to be free of the anxiety, dishonesty and lack of love this man has offered me.

I do feel sense of relief where it’s like, Ahhh I can stop freaking out about HIM, now I just have to freak out about kids and I for a while. I control how people treat me and I am glad that I was strong enough to put a stop to it.

Now awaits probably dr jekyll/mr. hyde type of divorce but he has beat me down so much that even this last fight will be part of the deal. I see it as last fight before the beginning of a new life for my children and I.

To all Moms out there, do what you have to do in order to be at peace that you are making the right decision. Make that list of what you are willing to do and not do and start checking it off. I agreed to try to reconcile for 4 months only to truly see the man that laid beside me. If I had not done that I would have always had that what IF when I look at my kids.

My heart is at peace, perhaps not my mind yet but only time can heal wounds.

 

Gained vs Lost

There are times when I think about what it is that I have gained through the last year and a half going through this experience. Not only that, I think about the things that I have lost. There are things that were lost, then gained. I figured I would make a list.

I have GAINED:

  • New found understanding of myself and what my mind and body can handle on a psychological and physical level.
  • Empowerment as a woman that I can survive as a single mother should I be one.
  • Newly discovered friends who have contributed much emotional support during discovery of my husband’s infidelity, swallowing it while knowing and then just plain breaking down.
  • New understanding of my 2 children who are now 2 and 4 yrs old. I underestimated their capability to understand the void they were experiencing without their father in the house. My 4 yr old boy could articulate this the best and he was devastated by not having his father around.
  • I gained new relationship with my parents. If not for them, I would have been a lost cause. My mother stayed at my house for almost 5 months, 5 days a week to watch my children. I have new found love on a different scale for my parents.

 

I have LOST:

  • 13 lbs in about a month and got down to unhealthy 123 lbs. I looked sickly to the point that everyone around me was concerned, understandably so.
  • I lost some friends. They just dropped off the radar. I would say this was a positive loss. I say, good riddance.
  • Lost myself for a while, I was a wondering soul.
  • My best friend of 16 yrs, my husband.
  • Belief in love and that I would be capable of loving anyone again.
  • Financial grounding. I became at his mercy of paying for half of mortgage as we awaited court date for child support. This also made me kick into a different gear and assume responsibility of now MY finances. He always handled finances and I was kept in the dark, so now came my opportunity to grow in that life department. Thank you husband!
  • At times lost control of my children’s behavior as I would just break down emotionally at times. Bad, I know but keeping it real.
  • Lying + cheating spouse. (blessing in disguise perhaps)

Where to NOW?

It has been months since I have put my fingers to work and let my thoughts roam freely. March 21st was court date for child support and prior to that he has asked to meet with me to talk. He even went to my father to talk before he asked me. I agreed to meet him and we came to a mutual decision to try and reconcile. Our lawyers talked and the court date turned into asking the judge to put things on hold. The judge gave us until June 19 which is coming up.

He came back home March 31st after much rescheduling as he was still not in the right place in his mind nor heart. Red flags everywhere!

Since he came home the first 2 weeks were THE hardest. We had two major fights where I found an email with his mistress helping him find a lawyer back in September 2016. He told me he wanted to divorce me 3 yrs prior but I got pregnant. I am just going to call bullshit on it all. Year 2015 starting April we were looking to purchase a house and move from our condo as we wanted to expand our family. We even put an offer on a house which we did not get. I go to Europe with our son for 3 weeks and he tells me that he wanted to ask for divorce after I came back. I got pregnant the week I got back and not accidentally! Wanting one thing and acting out on something else is just not adding up to his story.

Fast forward since the discovery of that story and really how he did not have the balls to leave. I started wondering what the hell is this man doing home. If anything, I got furious. I got furious because he ONCE again is disappointing our 2 small children by being wishy washy, leaving and coming back.  The kids had finally settled and started accepting that Dad is not home and will not live with us. Then he pops back in. Whose fault is that? I ask myself. Well, MINE. This is the time of taking responsibility. I allowed him to come back and potentially do this to us again, disappoint us. He told me that it was a rash decision that he made and was for the kids. I am not excusing his poor decision making, but I could have altered his wishes and said no, hence not put my kids in this predicament.

I gave him an option to make up his mind and he once again decided to stay. It has been close to 2 months since then and things every week are starting to be different. It is an absolutely roller coaster of emotion.

For anyone who has gone through the experience of infidelity, perhaps finalizing divorce or working through infidelity in marriage….it is hell all in its own definition. While I love this man, I am terrified of him and that he will do the same again. We have started therapy again as he had asked that we do it.

In the end, I want my husband back and my family. I want the man that I fell in love with. There are days when I doubt my strength to get through this but somehow I have this feeling in my stomach that is encouraging me to keep plowing forward.  Just as I have my doubts and fears, I believe he has the same. He is also questioning if he stays will I decide one day to leave and just express that it’s no longer what it used to be? I get it. The anxiety I feel is almost like we are feeding into each other’s fears. It takes time to realize that it is not just about you. It is also about the other person and if both don’t heal together and see a common goal, it is all in vain. We both have valid fears and for most part they are mirror image of each.

I demanded 3 things in order for him to move back into the house:

  1. Change the job as he works with the person he cheated with.
  2. Sign a post nup agreement stating if infidelity occurs again, house is mine as well as kids. i.e other financial securities.
  3. Absolute and utter transparency. I want to see his phone when I ask, I want to be able to see finances. Basically live in a glass house of our own.

No. 2 was a big one for me as it would demonstrate commitment to our family (My Mama Bear instinct kicked in and I wanted to protect my kids). Something that he needs to put on the line in order to start restoring trust in him. It would be an olive branch. He agreed to it but the moment he walked into the house, the story changed. His lawyer mentioned it to mine and that is where it died. To me it is not about the stupid house or finances, it is really having the balls to take accountability for what you have done and say here it is, I will do anything. It is more of a metaphorical act of baring yourself to be trusted than anything else.

No. 1 He has been interviewing and really trying to find another job. He is putting in an effort. He is also spending time with our family, any free time from work that he has. We are doing stuff around the house and really enjoying it.

 

No. 3 Transparency is not all there either. He has relinquished passwords to finances, fb. He still carries his phone with him 90% of the time. It goes to the bathroom with him. I have asked him during therapy to please respect that it raises anxiety for me when he does it and to try not doing it. I am not sure that he is really understanding what it means to me and that is one of the key things in recovery from infidelity. Looking at how the other person feels and truly being empathetic.

The important thing for me is to be able to work on this and myself at the same time. I do not feel judgement and frankly do not care what others may suggest. Looking in from the outside it probably looks like I should be running for the hills. There are red flags that I am even aware of, however no one knows what is best for my family.  Only I can find peace in what I choose, and right now it is to bring my family together and get my best friend back.

Does it mean that I will be disrespected? No, it just means I gave it another good try (what is it, 4th?) to ensure that what my heart is telling me is truly what the universe has set out for me.

I cannot tell you how easy it is to walk away. Oh my gosh, the more time passed since he left the house the more powerful I felt. I was starting to lose the anxiety and fear and really focus. Once I calmed down and stopped freaking out about the situation, things started looking up. It is almost tempting to continue down that road of moving towards divorce because you feel like you are not being lied to anymore. Just mental exhaustion of being lied to and knowing it is too much to stick around.

Having said that, what I am doing right now is choosing the hard road which could potentially lead to a very committed and balanced marriage. It is not easy but could be very rewarding on a spiritual and personal growth level.

Two people are needed for such trying experience, I have yet to see if I have a partner for life who is wiling to stick by me through thick and thin. #NoShameInTrying

 

Love yourselves.

Learning to embrace change, who knew it would be so liberating.

Change can only come from looking within us. I am talking about positive change. It can be forced but in the end it will not do any good to those involved. I learned the hard way.  It comes at the right time and with right intentions.  To dwell on what could have been different is a waste of energy as well as what could be. Some things we are not meant to change and that is ok too.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” -Lao Tzu

As you sow, so shall you reap

As I write this I am waiting for my children to be returned home to me by him. Where do I begin?

Last week he went to see my father and this was their second face to face since November 2016. The whole request was initially really strange to my father as when he sat with him in November (when I kicked him out the first time), he had nothing to say but spew anger. This time around my poor father might have thought that he wanted to apologize and make amends to the people he greatly insulted, including my father and mother. My mother has been watching our kids since they were both 3 months old. She still continues to watch them. My parents have practically raised our kids. The same people about whom he had nothing but derogatory and insulting words to say. What have they done to your life  for you to be where you are today? Stop deflecting your anger onto others and start looking within yourself. Ask yourself, what have I done to find myself in this situation? Saying, I admit it does not do it either. Accountability, action…. those are the words that will provide you growth.

Anyway, he sat down with my father and the rest is a pure cluster#uck. As my father put it, “He has lost his compass.”  One moment he would victimize himself, justify his actions because he was “angry”, state that kids would be all right and just return back to “her family and my family” accusations. The staple of all his conversations. My guess is that he wanted to show my father respect by going to see him again and saying all the same $hit but in a different package. If anything, this young man sat in front of my father (the person who gave me life) and lied. My father agreed to see him, although he knew in advance all disrespectful things he had said about him and my mother. I was angry with my father for giving him the platform to once again show his true colors because he craves attention.

My poor father, who thought of this young man as his own son for many years, had to sit there and watch him unravel some parallel reality that ONLY he has been living the last year. I know that my father came into that conversation maybe holding on to a chance in hell that this man will not only own up to the magnitude of the damage he has caused to his children and wife, but all he got was self righteousness. Talk about love for your child. After everything that was said about my parents, my father still being wiser than him wanted to hear him out. No, Daddy it was not an apology coming your way or perhaps him wanting advice on how to reverse some of the damage.

Last night marked a second sappy email I have received from him in the last 2 months. First one was very schizophrenic with how much he loved me, how I would not have changed ( I still to this day did not get the memo about what it is about me that needed changing). Hell, you should change for the sake of changing I guess. He wrote about how we should not let others affect how we parent our children which I found wildly ironic considering he has been highly influenced by his family. In the end,the email was really sent so that we end this divorce amicably and in a “normal” way without lawyers. Last I heard, a divorce is not normal and usually introduces a lot of emotions and hurt for all involved. Again, lovely way to attempt to manipulate me. Of course, I never replied as I knew it was not genuine. First of all, you have known me almost 16 yrs and you are writing me an email. I birthed 2 of your children, supported you through one lay off and one firing from a job, provided emotional support….yeah, email is how you  express that. Again, I am applying my values onto him. I would have preferred to have been told those words in person.

Now, onto the 2nd email I received last night. Well, as my father put it well, he’s lost his compass. He was all over the place in that email. It was almost like some type of confessional where he feels bad for the kids yet not that bad to have wanted to fix things back in November. At what point does a person comprehend that you have done something really really disloyal at a huuuuge expense. Your kids will truly suffer from it. They already are. My son was driven to school by my awesome neighbor and told her boys that his Dad is not coming back to live with him. I am not sure what irks me more, the fact that in November he told me that he will not be our kids chauffeur yet our neighbor is, or that our son sees how other kids have families and makes such a statement. They are already affected.

My thought is that he has already done soooo much damage that if he is not truly remorseful do not attempt to have conversations with people you have hurt. It is only an attempt and delusion on your part to make yourself feel as if you have now made amends. If anything, talking to my father has really set things on fire. My Dad said that he has been a fake person all these years and now he has truly showed his true colors. I can only feel that my Dad also feels hurt as he has spent more time with this man the last 15.5 yrs than with his own son.  He feels cheated as well not to mention angry that this man has completely and utterly disrespected his daughter. My relationship with my father has really gotten close as I can see him hurting for me. It kills me. After I found out that he had talked to him, he told me that I may be weird but I am a family girl. My dad truly knows how much I loved this man and my children. I would have gone to the ends of the world to save that, at the same time he knows that I cannot put up with such disrespect. I have a daughter too. Now I have to teach my daughter not to choose a man like her Daddy.

This is what you wanted, why not just be happy now that you are free? Let it go and enjoy your new life that you have always dreamed about. You do not have to walk on eggshells anymore as you have made very clear. Why is that people say one thing, yet they act completely different once $hit hits the fan?  Life would be much simpler if people only spoke their truth and communicated what was in their hearts.

Make it a habit to say your truth daily. Stand by it. Don’t keep it to yourself for years and then explode with absolute bullshit just because you did not want to communicate. You will realize that everything in life can be fixed only if you let go of the BULLSHIT and it takes two mindful people to let go of the above said.

Let it go. Be happy now that you are free. We reap what we sow.