Where to NOW?

It has been months since I have put my fingers to work and let my thoughts roam freely. March 21st was court date for child support and prior to that he has asked to meet with me to talk. He even went to my father to talk before he asked me. I agreed to meet him and we came to a mutual decision to try and reconcile. Our lawyers talked and the court date turned into asking the judge to put things on hold. The judge gave us until June 19 which is coming up.

He came back home March 31st after much rescheduling as he was still not in the right place in his mind nor heart. Red flags everywhere!

Since he came home the first 2 weeks were THE hardest. We had two major fights where I found an email with his mistress helping him find a lawyer back in September 2016. He told me he wanted to divorce me 3 yrs prior but I got pregnant. I am just going to call bullshit on it all. Year 2015 starting April we were looking to purchase a house and move from our condo as we wanted to expand our family. We even put an offer on a house which we did not get. I go to Europe with our son for 3 weeks and he tells me that he wanted to ask for divorce after I came back. I got pregnant the week I got back and not accidentally! Wanting one thing and acting out on something else is just not adding up to his story.

Fast forward since the discovery of that story and really how he did not have the balls to leave. I started wondering what the hell is this man doing home. If anything, I got furious. I got furious because he ONCE again is disappointing our 2 small children by being wishy washy, leaving and coming back.  The kids had finally settled and started accepting that Dad is not home and will not live with us. Then he pops back in. Whose fault is that? I ask myself. Well, MINE. This is the time of taking responsibility. I allowed him to come back and potentially do this to us again, disappoint us. He told me that it was a rash decision that he made and was for the kids. I am not excusing his poor decision making, but I could have altered his wishes and said no, hence not put my kids in this predicament.

I gave him an option to make up his mind and he once again decided to stay. It has been close to 2 months since then and things every week are starting to be different. It is an absolutely roller coaster of emotion.

For anyone who has gone through the experience of infidelity, perhaps finalizing divorce or working through infidelity in marriage….it is hell all in its own definition. While I love this man, I am terrified of him and that he will do the same again. We have started therapy again as he had asked that we do it.

In the end, I want my husband back and my family. I want the man that I fell in love with. There are days when I doubt my strength to get through this but somehow I have this feeling in my stomach that is encouraging me to keep plowing forward.  Just as I have my doubts and fears, I believe he has the same. He is also questioning if he stays will I decide one day to leave and just express that it’s no longer what it used to be? I get it. The anxiety I feel is almost like we are feeding into each other’s fears. It takes time to realize that it is not just about you. It is also about the other person and if both don’t heal together and see a common goal, it is all in vain. We both have valid fears and for most part they are mirror image of each.

I demanded 3 things in order for him to move back into the house:

  1. Change the job as he works with the person he cheated with.
  2. Sign a post nup agreement stating if infidelity occurs again, house is mine as well as kids. i.e other financial securities.
  3. Absolute and utter transparency. I want to see his phone when I ask, I want to be able to see finances. Basically live in a glass house of our own.

No. 2 was a big one for me as it would demonstrate commitment to our family (My Mama Bear instinct kicked in and I wanted to protect my kids). Something that he needs to put on the line in order to start restoring trust in him. It would be an olive branch. He agreed to it but the moment he walked into the house, the story changed. His lawyer mentioned it to mine and that is where it died. To me it is not about the stupid house or finances, it is really having the balls to take accountability for what you have done and say here it is, I will do anything. It is more of a metaphorical act of baring yourself to be trusted than anything else.

No. 1 He has been interviewing and really trying to find another job. He is putting in an effort. He is also spending time with our family, any free time from work that he has. We are doing stuff around the house and really enjoying it.

 

No. 3 Transparency is not all there either. He has relinquished passwords to finances, fb. He still carries his phone with him 90% of the time. It goes to the bathroom with him. I have asked him during therapy to please respect that it raises anxiety for me when he does it and to try not doing it. I am not sure that he is really understanding what it means to me and that is one of the key things in recovery from infidelity. Looking at how the other person feels and truly being empathetic.

The important thing for me is to be able to work on this and myself at the same time. I do not feel judgement and frankly do not care what others may suggest. Looking in from the outside it probably looks like I should be running for the hills. There are red flags that I am even aware of, however no one knows what is best for my family.  Only I can find peace in what I choose, and right now it is to bring my family together and get my best friend back.

Does it mean that I will be disrespected? No, it just means I gave it another good try (what is it, 4th?) to ensure that what my heart is telling me is truly what the universe has set out for me.

I cannot tell you how easy it is to walk away. Oh my gosh, the more time passed since he left the house the more powerful I felt. I was starting to lose the anxiety and fear and really focus. Once I calmed down and stopped freaking out about the situation, things started looking up. It is almost tempting to continue down that road of moving towards divorce because you feel like you are not being lied to anymore. Just mental exhaustion of being lied to and knowing it is too much to stick around.

Having said that, what I am doing right now is choosing the hard road which could potentially lead to a very committed and balanced marriage. It is not easy but could be very rewarding on a spiritual and personal growth level.

Two people are needed for such trying experience, I have yet to see if I have a partner for life who is wiling to stick by me through thick and thin. #NoShameInTrying

 

Love yourselves.

Learning to embrace change, who knew it would be so liberating.

Change can only come from looking within us. I am talking about positive change. It can be forced but in the end it will not do any good to those involved. I learned the hard way.  It comes at the right time and with right intentions.  To dwell on what could have been different is a waste of energy as well as what could be. Some things we are not meant to change and that is ok too.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” -Lao Tzu

Be grateful in the present day

We get so wrapped up in our own issues at times that we forget that others around us need support as well. It is easy to forget that others can hurt and not just us. Life sucks you into darkness and all we can see is ourselves and our own troubles.

To my dear friend and sister that I wish I had, you are a bright light and no matter what you are going through right now it will pass. Life has a funny way of throwing hurdles at us but it is what we make of them that creates strength within us. Realize that when life gets ugly that it is really blessing us with an opportunity to grow. I know, it’s hard to focus on the positive aspect of it all but continue to nourish the hope that one day everything will be all right.

On the other spectrum, let us focus on the positive things that are coming our way. To my Michelka, you are about to be blessed with the greatest gift of all. A life that you will continue to nourish for the rest of your life. A very special and proud time in your lives.

Life is constantly changing and so are we. Wishing my friends all the love that universe can hold and keep your heads up. In those times we are filled with either grief or euphoria, please know that there is a soul out there that has you in their thoughts and shares your sorrow or joy.

I can certainly say that my life right now may seem empty because I lost my best friend, but in return I have gained so many new ones. From my neighbor who has provided me such great emotional support as I float through my divorce to my own family.

I love and appreciate you all. Let us be grateful for what we have in the present day.

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“So what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you’ve killed me? Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children both living and dead, Rest in peace my true love, who I took for granted, most bomb pussy, who because of me, sleep evaded. Her shroud is loneliness, her God is listening. Her heaven would be a love without betrayal. 

Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks” – B

 

 

 

 

The Thrill of the Truth

Why are we so afraid of the truth? I am a truth seeker and no challenge can keep me from it. Truth for me is living your life in an authentic, self aware manner. Loyalty is everything to me and being truthful is the only path to loyal relationships.  We fear the truth, but in fact it is not the truth that we are afraid of. We are afraid of ourselves and accepting the responsibility of our flaws.

My husband (or should I say WASband, hopefully soon) loves the comfort of lies. So much that he had convinced himself that is his reality. If he had told me the truth from his perspective,  it would hurt me sooo much that I would not be able to handle it. Really? Again, such act is not to protect me from hurting but himself. It’s wrapped in a nice little care package meant to console you by telling a load of lies. I call it an eff you present.  I guess as many of us, I find it as an insult when I am not told the truth because believe you me, I can handle it. I embrace it, respect it and most of all live by it.

Is it because we we scorned as children by our parents and have a complex of exposing our flaws? Yes, human flaws. Who doesn’t have them? If you don’t wish to expose the truth, at least expose your flaws and slowly the truth will trickle out. Correlation between truth and respect is direct. As human beings we fear being seen in a negative light, therefore will go to great lengths to divert from the truth. I have lived the last year with a person who could not face himself as he was wrapped in so many lies. Lies that I knew about  yet I chose to let him have a come to Jesus moment. My 4 yrs old could unravel his lies and does to this day. He skypes with him out of the “establishment” on the street telling him that he is working. My son later says, he isn’t working, he’s walking the streets. So yes, I tell my 4 yrs old that in fact Daddy is not working. At least, not that kind of job. I refuse to tell lies, not even to my children.

Point in case is that it takes so much more effort to keep up with lies than to just admit to the truth. It feels good to tell the truth because it really does set you free of self guilt and shame. It repairs relationships because the disrespect you feel by being told lies will never heal unless you have closure of truth. I was not so lucky to have been told the truth, I had to surveil it, extract it and dissect it. Now what? It is up to me how I choose to deal with that truth. Let’s just say that I have been digesting it and finding comfort in my decision to file for divorce.

The truth has comforted me when I thought that it’s me that’s the problem. No, babe. It’s clearly you. Thank you TRUTH for opening my eyes, letting my brain process your ways and start to make sense of what was and what shall be. Also, shout out to my HEART! Oh, it first got a whiff of the truth and kept telling me to then follow my gut. So yeah, thank you organs!

Always seek the  truth even when your loved one does not respect you enough to lend it to you.  Once you know the truth,  you can start the healing process and forgiving down the line. Now that I know all of it, I do not feel guilty, shameful nor like a failure to my children. I now know the character of the person I had loved and although I am disgusted, still I feel fortunate to be able to leave this marriage on time.

It’s never too late to seek the truth and if the respect does not come with it, leave it all behind.